Mina's Story
by NYMeggi
Summary: This is a one-shot set during the book Dracula after Mina makes the men promise to kill her should she become a vampire. It is her journal as she fights to remain human.


_A/N: I wrote this as a ghost chapter for a gothic literature course that I took last year. I got an A and always kind of liked it. I always felt that Mina's POV was largely ignored and wondered what was going through her head as she was going through so many changes. _

Mina Harker's Secret Journal

_(Kept in shorthand)_

_12 October, Early morning_-

What have I done? This journal is the only true outlet left for me now. Unfortunately, I must keep this a secret. Up until now, everything I have written has been for Professor Van Helsing's notes. This must be kept separate from all of that. I do not wish to worry them any more than I already have. Thanks to the damnable oath I must be extra careful in their presence. I knew it was necessary, but Professor Van Helsing's and Dr. Seward's ready agreement worries me.

My friends have been watching me closely and I can see their concern, although I worry there is something more behind Van Helsing's attentiveness. It is almost as if he is wishing for the change to take place. I can't help but wonder if he relished the chance to kill Lucy. It gives me great sorrow for my friend. At the same time makes me feel guilty for doubting the intentions of a man, who before now has been nothing but kind to me. Even now, while doubting my humanity, he is still outwardly friendly with me. I just wonder what he may do when I am under hypnosis.

The oath was necessary, but I cannot help but think that it may have been too soon. I can already feel their paranoia. Jonathan, my dear Jonathan, is as constant as ever. I could see the pain that I caused him with my request, but it is him that I trust more than the others. I cannot trust that Van Helsing or Dr. Seward will put my interests first. I fear if they feel I am even close that they will put an end to my struggle and I will not be given the opportunity to save myself. I don't know, maybe that is the best option and my worry is just my own selfishness. Still, it makes me feel good to have Jonathan by my side and watching me.

This is not my first attempt at writing a personal journal. I have had several aborted attempts, where they have come upon me and I suddenly had to switch to a more comfortable topic. The notes have always been open to anyone, and they assume that my journal is a part of that. I have been forced to cease my most personal of musings, for fear of them seeing words that they are never meant to see. In many ways they look to me for strength. I know my steadiness calms them and lends them strength. I can feel their eyes on me, measuring my actions, gauging how far I have fallen into my damnation. What would they think if they knew of my doubts?

I feel as if I will go insane if I do not express myself in some way. Now that they have given their oath to kill me, I fear that should I cause them any doubt I will find myself staked and beheaded. I am not ready for that. I am not ready to give up the fight yet. I can feel the darkness rising within me, but just as much as I feel that I still feel my humanity. It is not my time quite yet, despite having been read my last rites. I will fight this and I will prevail. The alternative is too grim to conceive.

The professor is coming. I must put this away for now. Perhaps I will make notes for him.

_14 October, Late evening –_

It has been two days since I made my friends take the oath. Oh the dreaded oath! This is the first that I have been able to write in my journal since that night, for fear of being discovered. They are watching me more closely than ever. Tonight, they began a rotation in guarding me, as I have found myself quite alert many nights. I was only able to grab these few precious moments for myself as Quincey has dozed off a few feet away from me. My dear Jonathan is beside me as always, sleeping peacefully. It has been him most nights that has stayed with me during my wakefulness. Quincey is supposed to be giving him the opportunity to rest for the night. Nobody has been able to force him from my side. I had to remove my hand gently from his in order to even write this.

I find that I grow more and more restless at night, like I have somewhere that I must go. I am having increasing nightmares when I am able to sleep. I think it is Professor Van Helsing's nightly hypnosis sessions. They said that I cannot see anything under hypnosis, and it is only of sounds that I speak. In my dreams it is different. I can feel the ship rocking beneath my feet as I hear the waves lapping against the sides of the ship. I can see the moon high overhead and feel his eyes penetrating my very soul. He is beckoning to me in the night, calling me to join him by his side. The frightening thing is that in those moments I long to go to him, and then I wake up. Is it possible that it is not hypnosis and instead I have forged some connection to that monster through blood or perhaps the hypnosis has just opened up some connection between us? I find the thought that I may be losing control over my own mind to be the scariest notion of all. My mind has always been quick, and the thought of losing it is causes more fear in me than I have ever known. I must fight with everything I have to regain control. I am drowning in his power, but I cannot let him win.

Jonathan has been most attentive during this time, always watching out for me, trying to protect me. I think he also worries about Professor Van Helsing and Dr. Seward's ready agreement to end my existence. Maybe we are both worrying too much. Maybe it is them that has the most unbiased view of the situation and that is why they are able to agree to kill me so easily, or maybe it is that they care that caused them to agree. Maybe they don't want to see me as a godless creature sucking the life from those that have the misfortune of coming in contact with me. It is all so confusing that I don't know who to trust right now. Maybe that is the Count's influence as well.

The sun is rising and I feel exhaustion setting in, but there is still more to write. Perhaps it was the most frightening moment in all of this. I feel a compulsion to get the horror onto paper. It was what drove me to lay motionless on my bed for hours in the hope that Quincey might fall asleep so I may record it. Something happened that chilled me to my very depths, worse than any of the nightmares, because I was sure this was real.

I prepared myself for bed as I always do, although a bit more awkwardly for knowing Quincey would be there. For propriety's sake I wore a robe over my gown, which was heavier than I might have if it were just Jonathan and I. When I returned, I found that Jonathan was already asleep. I looked down at my dear, loving husband beside me and I was suddenly aware of his pulse beating at the base of his neck. I could see it fluttering lightly just beneath the surface. I had never noticed the way it moved so delicately like that. Before I could stop myself I reached out and gently stroked his neck. I could feel the blood rushing beneath the surface and for a moment I forgot that Quincey was there. I found myself moving closer to Jonathan, not completely under my own free will. It was like I was being pulled towards him. My tongue found his pulse and it was the strangest and most wonderful feeling I had ever felt. I could practically taste him beneath my mouth. I felt suddenly hot and pushed my robe from my shoulders, so I could get closer to him. I could feel Jonathan's breath hitch below my mouth and then felt his pulse speed up as I draped myself around him. Quincey cleared his throat suddenly and I became aware of my surroundings again.

Jonathan's eyes opened slowly and he looked up at me questioningly. I looked across the room and saw Quincey looking at me as well, although he was grinning. I pulled away from Jonathan in embarrassment and quickly pulled my robe back around myself. I went cold with fear as I realized how close I had come to giving in to my baser urges. I looked across the room, to find Quincey still smiling. He had obviously not grasped what had just happened in front of him. Jonathan pulled himself up on his elbow and gave me a smug grin. They both obviously thought I was behaving as a normal newly wedded wife should. I was saved by the fact that it was not John or Van Helsing that had witnessed my utter lack of inhibition with my husband in front of his friend. They would have seen it for what it was.

"Want me to leave for a while and come back later." He winked at Jonathan and I blushed right down to my toes.

"That won't be necessary, Quincey. I should have been more thoughtful and let him sleep." Jonathan did not look all too pleased with my answer, but he didn't argue. I found myself blushing once again. I quickly crawled under the blankets beside him with my robe covering just about every inch of my body.

I lay on my back and looked up at the ceiling, trying to erase the taste of his pulse beneath my lips, the rush of blood I could almost still hear. These were not normal things for a human to experience.

I think they realized that I did not want to speak and eventually I felt Jonathan relax beside me. When I looked over, I realized he had finally fallen asleep. A look across the room told me that it was not the same case with Quincey. He was watching me, although now he was taking his job seriously and had lost the grin. I faced back towards the ceiling to contemplate what had just happened.

"Good night Mrs. Harker."

"Good night Quincey."

I closed my eyes and lay there, not feeling the least bit tired and instead feeling energized. It terrified me to my very depths and I suddenly understood why Dr. Seward and Van Helsing were watching me so attentively. My teeth were no longer than they had been before, but I could feel the hunger rising within me nonetheless. I was changing and they were right to worry. I would become a monster if I wasn't careful.

I lay there for a very long time contemplating the oath and my fate as I waited for Quincey to fall asleep.

_28 October, Evening –_

I feel freer than I have in quite some time. I was able to sleep peacefully, without nightmares, for the first time in weeks. Everyone noticed the difference immediately. Jonathan, Quincey, and Arthur seemed happy with the change. The professor and doctor were more reserved as usual. The secret of my connection with the Count is no longer a secret, as they both realized that was where my freeness of spirit came from. I did not say anything to Jonathan, so as not to worry him. He has enough to worry about without knowing of my connection to the Dracula. I am relieved that neither Van Helsing nor Seward seem to be aware of the extent of my connection with The Count over the past few weeks. I know that I should probably have told them of the dreams and my new cravings, but there was no reason to cause more doubt in two that were already so doubtful. I am able to fight my urges for now.

I spoke to Dr. Seward and Professor Van Helsing of The Count's future plans. We all concluded that he was heading back to his castle and we leave tomorrow on our journey there. We will face him in his homeland and on his own territory. I pray that now that he has severed our connection he will no longer know of our whereabouts or be able to use me to misguide my friends. Perhaps now we will have the advantage. He is a creature of habit and I trust our instincts that he is going home to regroup. It seems almost fitting that we will be facing him where this all began with Jonathan's unfortunate visit.

I feel hope for once. It is something new since that night, now over a week ago, when I had come so close to completely losing control. I have never doubted that I will fight until the end, but now with this freedom I am feeling, I actually believe that we can beat him. It seems as if we have gained the advantage. His absence from my mind gives me more hope than anything. Why would he sever our connection if he were not afraid? He is not one to willingly give up power, and that is essentially what he has done with me. Maybe I will have the future with Jonathan that I have always dreamed of, with kids and a house to call our own, free from vampires and danger. For now there is hope that if we can outsmart the ageless Dracula, then maybe we are not in such dire straits. Maybe we can kill him and his sisters. Maybe I will not become undead like him. Maybe my husband will not be forced to drive a stake through my heart and cut off my head.

Tomorrow begins the end of this waking nightmare. May God be with us as we take on this grisly task.

_31 October, Early morning_ –

All Hallow's Eve is upon us. Can anything be more fitting? I wrote in the official journal earlier of the happenings and the decisions that were made. I am to travel with the professor to The Count's castle, while my love travels with the other men to find Dracula's box. If they are successful in finding his box, with him in it, and submerging it in the water, then our journey may be unnecessary. I pray that it is and that they make short work of it. I was not unmoved by my husband's terror as he spoke of the castle. I have read his journal and had encounters of my own with the Count. I understand exactly the undertaking that we have set ourselves upon. It has been made even worse by my inability to connect with Dracula during my nightly trance.

Last night, the trance did not work at all. It is a disadvantage that we are no longer certain of his whereabouts. While we are almost certain that he is heading back to his home, in order to regain his strength, without the aid of my trances we cannot be completely certain. I am worried that the hypnosis no longer has any effect on me. What does this mean? I am afraid that our connection was not as severed as I once thought it was. He knows of the connection and he is blocking me. I can almost feel it. I can only hope that he doesn't know too much of our plans. I do not think he would foresee us splitting into parties, with all of us going our own separate ways. Our plans were made after what was probably my final trance.

How do I feel about all of this? It is difficult to describe. I feel sadness at saying good-bye to my husband. I cannot say with sureness that it was the last time that I will see my love, but is a possibility. I hope we prevail and I make it back into his arms again. On top of that sadness I feel some excitement. While Jonathan, Quincey, Arthur, and John are attempting to keep Dracula from ever reaching the shore, Van Helsing and I are traveling right into the bosom of the beast.

_4 November, Late evening_ –

Van Helsing is suspicious. I can feel his suspicion every time he looks at me and, for once, I know he is right to be suspicious. We stopped for the evening, although it is in the darkness that I feel most alive now. I can no longer sleep at night, although I fall into deep sleeps during the day. I can feel the Count there in my dreams again, although Van Helsing tells me the hypnosis has not been successful. I can feel us getting closer to Dracula and that part of me that I push deep down inside of me feels glad. It feels as if I am coming home.

I can see that it worries Van Helsing that I know the path to the castle. I probably should have been a bit more discrete in my knowledge, as I am not entirely sure where it comes from. Certainly Jonathan's notes were not so clear as to tell me exactly where the castle was and yet the path seems familiar. I feel as if I have been here before.

I have completely lost my appetite for regular food. It no longer interests me in any way. It is another sign of my waning humanity and brings me one step closer to my own demise. Van Helsing left me to the task of cooking while he tended to the horses, probably not realizing the utter distaste I felt at the prospect. I set about my task and made him a lovely dinner, which I was not able to even taste. I lied and told him that I had eaten before he had finished tethering the horses. I am pretty sure that he knew I was lying, but he did not pursue the topic and we sat down across from the fire. I watched him through the flames as he ate his dinner. I had prepared him a quail with some of the spices that he had brought along. Luckily he hadn't been around to see me lick the blood from my fingers as I prepared it for him. He was extremely quiet through dinner and up until we curled in our furs to bed down for the night.

He encouraged me to sleep, but I couldn't; instead I watched him as he slept fitfully. I wondered what I should do about him. It was becoming apparent that he no longer trusted me, which gave me a bit of pause in light of the oath. If he were to lose all trust in me, then he would be forced to carry out the promise made and kill me.

I was aware of his pulse at his neck as he slept, much the way I was aware of Jonathan's that one night. It seems as if I am becoming more aware of the blood rushing below the surface each day. My feelings were altogether different as I watched Van Helsing than what I felt as I watched my sleeping husband's pulse. A large part of me was saying that he was no longer my friend; he was my enemy and had to be stopped. I licked my lips as I watched his pulse. His eyes opened up and met mine and I smiled at him, my eyes bright in the dark. I wondered if he could read my thoughts in my eyes. His eyes closed again as he fell back into sleep and I went back to watching his pulse beating at his neck.

Just one small move and he would no longer be of danger to me. He slept soundly and I got up and moved slowly around the fire until I was next to him. For the first time I could feel my teeth lengthening within my mouth. I suddenly felt the hunger that had been evading me for days. I leaned over him quietly and breathed in the scent of him. Not only could I hear his blood, but now I was able to smell it. In my mind I could see myself ripping out his throat and bathing in his blood, his blood pouring down my throat. I could practically feel it on my skin and I groaned. My own pulse quickened at the thought. Just one little bite and I wouldn't have to worry about any oath. I leaned over him, prepared to take that last step into damnation, when that all too small part of humanity rose within me. It was enough to bring me back to myself and I closed my hand over my mouth, to cover the evidence of my inhumanity.

I would not give in. I would not give up. I had come too far and fought too hard for that. I was going to beat Dracula even if it was the last thing that I would do and if I didn't and I was trapped as a vampire, then I would let my friend's fulfill their promise to release me from this curse. It was the best way I had of ensuring my friends' safety.

I moved quickly back to my own furs and lay down. I watched him open his eyes and glance across the fire at me again. I smiled at him, careful not to show my teeth, hoping to reassure him. Rather than be reassured he got up and tried to hypnotize me one last time. Neither of us were surprised that it didn't work. At this time it didn't matter, we had our work set before us. Our enemy was within our grasp. I could feel the Count's proximity and I knew that he was not much longer for this world.

_5 November, afternoon_ –

Professor Van Helsing has trapped me within a circle. I am unable to move beyond the path of the host. He used a holy wafer to forge a barrier around me. My own growing un-holiness has been used to build a cage around me. I could not see the barriers, but I felt them there making it impossible for me to move. It would seem that I am well and truly on the path of damnation. As of now, all I have is my furs and my journal. He has left to take care of business that should be mine.

I saw the sisters standing before me in all their beautiful glory early this morning, their hair flowing down their shoulders, their lips red with blood. I saw the women that had so enticed my love and could not help but be sickened. I drew the professor within the circle with me. As I could not pass through it, neither could they. It was the only thing that I could do from within my cage. There was nothing that could be done for the horses. Their agonizing fear was excruciating to behold and a part of me was glad when they finally dropped dead from fright. The screams were unbearable..

The sisters, in their voluptuous glory, backed away from us with a smile and retreated to their resting place, leaving the professor and me alone. He stepped out of the circle, and I moved to follow him, but found once again that I could not. I felt the fingers of sleep closing in around me and fought to stay aware. For once I did not want to sit by while the men did all the work. This was my soul that we were fighting for. I had never felt so powerless in my life. The end was near. I could feel it coming. I wanted to press on and be done with it, for better or for worse, but I could no longer fight off the exhaustion and I was dragged into unconsciousness.

_7 November, Morning _ –

It is finished. They have defeated Dracula and the curse should be lifted from me, as I was able to pass through the circle that the professor had trapped me within. My dear friend Quincey was lost in the battle, though. I feel a sorrow the likes of which I cannot describe, not only for him, but also for me.

All is not back to normal as we had thought it would be when I was able to break free of the holy cage where Van Helsing had trapped me. I am awake during the day, as I should be. It was when my tongue went to my teeth that I noticed the difference. I could feel them lengthening once again. I felt a little twinge as my tongue was cut by my own teeth. The blood rushed from the wound into my mouth and I drank it.

_Seven years later_ –

I have not had the opportunity to write that I once had. Married life has kept me busy and now so has my child. Jonathan and I named our son after our dear friend Quincey, who was killed on that fateful night all those years ago. Little Quincey is beautiful and so precocious. I can remember the first time that I held him at my breast. I was amazed that I could feel so much love for such a tiny person.

Now, he approaches his first birthday. He has a ready smile for all who come close. He always keeps me on my toes. I know that my life will never be boring now that he has entered it.

I had to stop breast feeding him a couple months ago, which I found saddening. I miss the time with just the two of us, but he drew blood after his first tooth came in. I felt a chill when he continued sucking as the blood poured down my breast.

I have not told Jonathan or any of my friends, I am sure it was a mistake and I am looking too much into it. I switched him to a formula made up of milk, eggs, and sugar under the guise of wanting Jonathan to help me out with the night time feedings. Unfortunately, Quincey hasn't been gaining weight the way that he should be since the change. It worries me, but Jonathan seems to enjoy the time alone with his son. He hasn't questioned it and gets up most nights at least once, so that I can sleep a bit more.

The other day I made a lovely steak for Jonathan. Most of our meals consist of red meat now. I've found that I like mine extremely rare. I usually include something on the side for Jonathan. The other day I cut my finger, while slicing potatoes for him. I looked down to see my little Quincey smiling up at me, asking to be picked up, so I did. He started grabbing for my finger. I held it as far away as I could, but my Quincey seemed to have gained strength. He grabbed my finger and began to suck.

It would seem he takes after his mother.


End file.
